“…I’ve looked at love from both sides now
Joni Mitchell, 1969
From give and take and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know love
Really don’t know love at all”
Thank you, Esther Perel, from the bottom of my heart. This book, ostensibly about infidelity, encompasses so much more.
Thank you for your bravery in tackling such a difficult, controversial subject.
Thank you for your clarity of thought.
Why I picked it up
I am not, now, on either side of an affair. I picked up this book and read it in three days, because I saw a couple of interviews with Ms. Perel on YouTube.
There was such profound humanity, deep understanding and attractive sense of humour in her presentations, that I felt compelled to know more.
What is it about?
The book is an analysis of the infidelity phenomenon.
There are definitions, historical context, real-life examples, different perspectives and…hope. Lots and lots of hope.
Ms. Perel succeeds brilliantly in bringing us gently into the agitated, intense and dark universe of love betrayals.
Following her sure-footed guidance, we begin to see and understand not just both sides, but all sides.
There is the one having the affair, the one who is married to the one having the affair, the children, the extended families, the friends, the community and the society at large, with its written and unwritten rules.
There is also, most importantly, the perspective of the other, the secret one, with whom the affair is being had.
What you will absolutely not find in this excellent book is self-righteous condemnation or any re-gurgitation of the out-dated religious or otherwise, adages.
Ms. Perel explains with clarity and compassion the before, during and after stages of marital infidelity and underlines the impacts on all parties involved.
There is truly no right or wrong. Rather, there is human frailty, relationship rules which were established hundreds, if not thousands, years ago, which have not been revised since, and no longer fit the current “state of affairs”.
Ms. Perel asks a fundamental question: “How come that, despite all rules, laws, opposition of individuals, family and society and dire consequences resulting sometimes in death over the ages, non-monogamy has survived and, if statistics are to be believed, is still omnipresent, even in our “liberated” western culture?”
After all, if the rules have relaxed considerably, which they have, and the mores and mentalities have changed, which they have, and the laws have been re-written, which is the case, the old transgression concepts should disappear, right?
The thing is, it’s not so much about the rules, the laws or the mentalities, and very much about individual concepts of self-worthiness, needs-meeting, inter-relating and personal freedom.
It’s about self-awareness, in the absence of which we enter into un-acknowledged, un-spoken contracts with others, which results in tremendous suffering.
The book offers possible answers and, generously, tools for transcending this suffering with dignity and grace.
These tools are derived directly from Ms. Perel’s vast experience as a couples’ therapist. Some of them may seem radical, controversial even, but there is anecdotal evidence that they work in some cases.
As a woman, a personal empowerment coach, and one who has experienced both sides of affairs, my hope is that this book is read by many and will constitute the catalyst for a much-needed, honest and open societal conversation around monogamy, non-monogamy, personal freedom and, particularly, conscious engagement in relationships.
Read the book today: