Clarity, Precision, and Timing when Responding to Life Events
Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and experienced one of the following in reaction to something they said?
- What they said does not feel good but you are not able to pinpoint why, let alone come up with a suitable reply, or
- What they said does not feel good, you kind of know why and what a well-deserved response would be, but somehow you don’t give it, or
- What they said does not feel good, you kind of know why and what a well-deserved response would be, so you blurt it out in a knee-jerk reaction, only to find the situation escalate further, or
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.
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I know I have been in all these situations many times – and in many other similar ones.
I would like to offer to you today an explanation as to why we find ourselves repeatedly in this uncomfortable type of place and a method to break this pattern, if you wish.
WHY?
We all hold many beliefs, which are nothing more than patterns of thought. They can be about ourselves, the world, work, love, money, relationships, you name it.
Examples are:
- I am lovable
- Money is evil
- Life is hard
- I live in a friendly Universe
- Relationships are difficult
- I am not good at ___________ (fill in the blanks)
- I am really good at __________ (fill in the blanks)
Most of these beliefs are buried in the subconscious and we are not aware of them. But they run in the background just like computer programs and they constitute the lens through which we look at life, ourselves and others and thus determine what we think / say / do and, ultimately, the quality of the life we live.
Many will say that these beliefs are the result of hard-earned life experiences and, therefore, are trust-worthy and valid.
The truth of the matter is that most of these beliefs have been formed in early childhood, absorbed by osmosis from the family of origin, teachers, society, anyone influential for us at that time.
Life experiences have a very important role, but not the one you think.
For the most part, life experiences confirm our unconscious beliefs, precisely because they are the lens through which we look at the world.
If we formed beliefs which are supportive, life-enhancing and expansive, we will function from that place and our results will be pleasing.
The reverse is also true, obviously.
So, the answer to the question “Why can’t we find the right answer in a conversation where we feel disrespected or worse, attacked?” is: Because we hold a disempowering belief – or several, – which compels us to behave a certain way.
For example: If I was taught as a child that it is a woman’s job to cook for the family, as an adult, even if I am employed full time with a demanding career and my husband is unemployed with lots of free time, I will
- Feel guilty when I cannot fulfill my cooking duties
- Feel awful when he criticizes me for it and even
- Acknowledge to him that he is right, or
- Strike back at him in my discomfort, escalate the situation without resolving anything.
I am not even aware of this belief. And, since I am not aware of it, I don’t question it and I do not try to shift it.
Besides, it is so embedded into my vision of the world, that questioning it would be the equivalent of questioning whether the sun rises every morning.
Solution?
First and foremost, Awareness.
Next, identification of the disempowering beliefs which trigger the life outcomes you would like to improve.
Then, gradual shifting of the disempowering beliefs to more helpful ones.
To find out more, please consider signing up for the Reverse-Engineering Coaching sessions offered on this web site.
See the diagram below for an illustration of the awareness evolution which you will experience.
