Beyond this book – What about the MEN?
I feel the need for an addendum here.
Ms. Webster’s book opened my mind and my soul in a way that few writings have managed until now. (And I do read a lot…)
It provided me with confirmation, guidance and support, as if Bethany Webster was holding my hand throughout and nodding encouragement.
However, as I was approaching the end, a major question kept coming up and would not be denied.
Although sons and fathers are mentioned a few times, the book is mostly about women, for women. And that is important, because the mother wound is inherited through the women of the family (and the society). If we are to heal it, individually and collectively, this is where it needs to be addressed.
I am a woman, and, like most of us, I do have the mother wound, which means that, as a young child, I basically had to choose between the two fundamental human survival needs:
- The need for attachment and belonging
- The need for authenticity
According to Ms. Webster and based on my own experience and vast reading, the mother wound unresolved in the mother, dictates that the female child must abandon her authenticity in order to secure attachment to the mother, or be abandoned by the un-healed mother as retribution for…being who she is, if who she is authentically, is different / threatening to the un-healed mother.
This, of course, is a tragedy for the female child. The unconscious choice between self-abandonment and abandonment by the one who gave us life, is not really a choice. It’s a disaster.
I know of no one who, as a little girl, made the unconscious choice to be abandoned by her mother. We just can’t!
I, like most of us suffering from the mother wound, chose, unconsciously, to self-abandon from a very early age.
Accordingly, I developed an attachment style that included being an emotional caretaker and dumping ground for my mother, but not just for her. For everyone with whom I “chose” as an adult to have a relationship.
And here is the nagging question:
What about the men in all of this? What does the mother wound look like in men?
I knew I had the mother wound before picking up Ms. Webster’s book. Reading it and reflecting on it, I confirmed to myself that my mother had it. Of course, I am stating the obvious.
But, beyond that, I discovered that my father had it as well, from his own un-healed mother. And so did all the men whom I ‘chose” to make my partners as an adult. (The quotation marks are deliberate.)
I have reached a series of very important conclusions:
- There is no choice as a child in this type of dysfunctional family dynamic. We must vote for self-abandonment, because abandonment by the mother is the equivalent of death.
- If we proceed into adult life with the mother wound un-healed, as most of us do, there is no choice when it comes to relationship partners. We must find and hook up with partners who…you guessed, have the mother wound as well! Why? Because a man who is aware and has done his own inner work, aka he is healed, would never choose to be in a relationship with a woman who has not, aka is not healed.
- The men suffering from the mother wound act as enablers and enhancers of it in the women in their life. This means:
- As a father with a mother wound, the man is oblivious of its existence in himself or in the mother of his children and fails to protect daughters or sons from its harm, thus perpetuating the mother wound indirectly. He actually sanctions it through his lack of awareness.
- As a partner with an un-healed mother wound, the man acts almost identically to his female partner’s mother, unconsciously demanding that she “choose” between self-abandonment and abandonment by him. Of course, it is possible that the man may have adopted the female style of attachment, in which case he will select a female partner who demands it from him.
From everything I lived, read and heard, this latter is a much less frequent occurrence.
Ms. Webster demonstrates brilliantly the necessity and the urgency of healing the mother wound in women. And makes a fantastic contribution towards this important goal through her own work.
It is my personal and considered opinion that healing the mother wound in men is just as necessary and urgent and should happen in parallel, not sequentially and / or indirectly through the healing of women.
Evidently, the focus on healing the mother wound in women will eventually result in the raising of sons who do not suffer from the mother wound and, therefore, will no longer enable and perpetuate it.
But this will take a long time, generations, perhaps, and the women who undertake this sacred work of healing require partners who are doing so as well. That, I think, is the ultimate support for these female pioneers.
Calling on all therapists, coaches and self-aware individuals, women and men, to do this NOW!